A Ladder to Heaven. But Which One?

Just this morning, I was at Sainsbury's to buy the morning paper, and as I made my way to the annexed Starbucks Coffee, I heard my name called out. I turned to see my father-in-law at the checkout, and I paused for a moment and asked him to join me once he was through paying for his items.

As expected, he did not sit with me, for his wife sat in the car parked outside, waiting for him to return. But he paused long enough to ask how I was able to cope with my wife's constant symptoms of recurring pain, discomfort and distress. I admitted that yes, these are challenging times, living on a constant knife-edge, not knowing when her pain may suddenly erupt as having a neurological disorder, such is always imminent.

But I was able to answer that our trust in God's mercy and goodness is vital to the health of our marriage. Indeed, it was no accident or mere coincidence that on our wedding day, the ceremony included a song that has the first line reading, Father God, I wonder how I managed to exist without the knowledge of your parenthood and your loving care... 

Father God was one of our wedding songs. Signing the Register.

It's been like this for several years. At first, such painful eruptions caused panic to grip my emotions, and I would dial for an ambulance. The routine was always the same. The ambulance took us to the hospital's A&E department. We would then be handed over to Reception, who assigned my wife to a vacant bed in one of the cubicles. Then she had her blood and urine tested, possibly an X-ray, then connected to a catheter for an intravenous feed of paracetamol or even morphine. Then, once the pain had subsided, she was discharged, and we had to call a taxi to take us home. In all, up to six hours of our day were wasted.

Fortunately, such calls are becoming rare. We now have three powerful painkillers for home treatment. However, no matter how much I may indulge in self-pity, feeling anger toward God, my faith in Him still remains strong. And that was what I replied to my father-in-law at Starbucks.

At times, I find it amazing how things take their turn as the days pass. This week was quite eventful. One incident made me feel astonished. Another made me fume! The source of both was Facebook. The first, which astonished me, was learning how the Russian President Vladimir Putin was encouraged by the Russian Orthodox Church's equivalent of the Bishop of Moscow, Patriarch Kirill, to take back Ukraine and reunite it as part of one God's Russian family. The other issue, the one which made me fume, was our Home Secretary Priti Patel's TV admission that visa requirements to enter the UK was needed due to Brexit.

I'll take a look into Patel's admission. According to The Daily Mail of Saturday, April 9th, a column is written by three journalists, Tom Witherow, David Barrett and Inderdeep Bains, comparing Britain issuing just 12,500 visas out of 46,600 applications submitted - to that "horrible EU" country, Germany. While just 1,200 Ukrainians so far had arrived safely in Britain, in Germany, 300,000 war refugees had found safety. In turn, Poland, also in the EU, has 1,975,500 Ukrainians, with 150,000 living in Krakow alone, Poland's second-largest city. To date, Hungary has around 140,000 Ukrainians.

Please don't get me wrong. Here in Britain, more than 200,000 homeowners have applied to take in a Ukrainian individual or family. That's approx 0.3% of the British population of 68,000,000. This shows how hospitable we Brits can be, although 0.3% looks small, this number still compares favourably with that of some EU countries. But as the layers of bureaucracy attached to UK entry stood in the way of easy entry for the war refugees, I wonder whether the European Union is really "the forerunner of Antichrist's kingdom" - as proposed by some Christian graduates I know personally, and thus, one good reason for them to vote for Brexit, the other two main reasons were for independent sovereignty and tighter border controls.

And about the other issue, a quote from Patriarch Kirill's blessing on Vladimir Putin, encouraging the invasion of Ukraine so to bring that independent nation back into the folds of God's Russian family. Here, I quote a portion of his speech most relevant:-

 "The Ladder of Divine Ascent is a framework for spiritual development, from the flesh of the novice on the first rung, through the acquisition of virtues through the ascetic life, and overcoming vices to ascend to the higher virtues and ultimately the final rung of the ladder, where is found peace and love which transcends all and passes understanding."

That was part of a quote from Patriarch Kirill to Vladimir Putin, giving his blessing for his invasion of Ukraine. I was astonished by that! In his speech, the name of Jesus was only mentioned once and that was at the end of his first paragraph of eight altogether. And it looks apparent that this Jesus died as a sacrifice for the sake of the nation in a political sense and not for the sin of mankind.

Patriarch Kirill is on our left.

Sad it is to say, Kirill's speech was not Christian at all but a heresy, and a dangerous one at that. As a former Catholic, I can identify Kirill's ladder of divine ascent to Rome's sacramental ladder to heaven, which consists of seven rungs: From birth - Baptism, Reconciliation, Eucharist, Confirmation, Holy Matrimony, Anointing of the Sick, Holy Orders - Heaven. This is very different from the Biblical justification by faith alone, the Righteousness of Christ imputed to the sinner by God's unmerited grace.

Indeed, Catholic salvation can be likened to a ladder. But since the days of the Reformation, Catholics and non-Catholics have been warring against each other over the past 400 years. Yet, despite this, I have a love and an affection for people in the Catholic faith, including my own brother and his three daughters. In the past, I have read plenty of literature about how those in non-Catholic or Protestant churches denounced Catholics for their salvation ladder. My wish is that all Catholics and non-Catholics, along with Eastern Orthodox churches know the Lord personally and experience salvation. And this makes me wonder: Non-Catholics who are in Heaven may have a shocking surprise to see plenty of Roman Catholics there as well. You see, the Lord is merciful. It's not his will that any should perish. All it takes for a Catholic is to believe in his heart that Jesus is Lord and that God has raised Him from the dead, and the Catholic will be saved, regardless of whether he should pray to Mary or not.

Yet, despite the Lord's great mercy, it's this war between different churches that may motivate someone to say or write: We are the people. We are the ones called by God. We are the ones in tune with God. We are obeying God. We are doing his will. Churchgoers quibble between each other, the agnostic and the atheist turns away, a religious leader feeds the soul of a national leader, the same national leader nourishes his own ambitions and sends his forces to invade a neighbouring sovereign State. His ambition is to annex the State back into its fatherland and create a utopian dream of a unified Russia whose society would have matched the dream of Adolf Hitler - an Aryan State of pale-skinned, advanced civilisation. Hitler had ambitions. Putin still has his ambitions. But it's God who has the final say.

One other issue had drawn my attention. That is the stunning similarity between the ladders of religious faith and that of Charles Darwin's organic evolution, a long ladder from single-cell amoeba to humans. One spinoff from this theory is social evolution, including eugenics.

And so, for Putin to fulfil his dream of a utopian fatherland of Russia under the spiritual guidance of Kirill, a war must be fought with the bloodshedding of many, including families with children. It's such an ugly scene, yet it differed only in a philosophical sense from the pogrom imposed by the Nazis during the holocaust. To create a utopian society with or without God, anyone who doesn't fit in must be eliminated. Wherever out of disagreement, as with the Ukrainians' disagreement with the Russians over national sovereignty, or the Nazis' pogrom to eliminate all genetic and social inferiors unfit for an ideal society.

Oh, so contrary to the love of God for all mankind and the sacrifice of His beloved Son to fulfil this love. Also, no matter how evil Vladimir Putin is, he is still placed in the position of authority by God, and he's still loved by Him and desires for the President to come to the knowledge of the truth. Yea, I know. It's difficult to swallow! Yet, like Putin, the Roman emperor Nero was also evil, bad enough to murder his own family members to secure his position in Paul's day. Yet, the apostle still wrote that all should be in submission to all government authority, as all authority had always been established by God.* The apostle Peter too, instructed his readers to obey the law of the land, respect others, and honour the king.**

And so the war progresses without making any inroads, especially towards Kyiv. Fighters from both sides are injured, more of them die, and citizen blood is spilt. Russian weaponry is disabled. And Putin's ambition to take over Ukraine in a matter of days is thwarted. As the world turns, Putin sits in his office feeling more determined to win this war rather than admit defeat. Maybe his mind has already pondered whether he will be the victim of a coup -  or even be assassinated by someone in his own party. 

Yet, as we as a society despise the war, the sufferings, forced evacuation, the killings, the mass burial graves, indeed, don't we also shrink away from any concept of the huge fatherland annexing a smaller sovereign nation against its will? And so, the Nazi Holocaust is also seen as a blot, an ugly stain on the history of man and his progress in science, education and civilisation. Yet, the majority of us - a huge majority - embrace the very evolutionary theory as a scientific fact, yet Darwin's theory was the very bedrock on which the Holocaust was rooted.

Therefore, I wonder how anyone can exist and be happy in the long term without the knowledge of Father God's parenthood. How can the world's peace be so fragile? Without a shadow of a doubt, with my beloved's ongoing illness, my own health is not that sound either, a life of uncertainty, even living on a knife-edge, doesn't it seem foolish to believe that there's no God, no higher power we can call upon when everything in life had reached the end of its tether?

And so, we have great men such as David Attenborough constantly narrating Darwin's organic evolution as the origins of all life - life without a maker, and Professor Brian Cox on the same theme about our Universe, the Big Bang - a sudden, once for all time atomic explosion with no divine intervention to set off such an explosion in the remote past. Solid rocks hit each other as they fly through space, and instead of flying apart in different directions after a collision, somehow they stick together until, eventually, a very hot, molten sphere is formed which will eventually cool enough to gather enough water to form oceans - and somehow, by chance and over a vast period, amino acid molecules begin to stick together to eventually form the first living cell with its vast, almost infinite complexity. All without any divine involvement.

Prof Brian Cox at Grand Canyon.

Not so with us. We (Alex and I) much prefer to believe in a God who created us, then redeemed us, and one day will glorify us. We are rather able to call upon him when the chips are down, in distress, pour out our souls to him, for he cares for us. Yet in turn, be thankful as we enjoy the good things he allows us to have, to sing praises for his mercy, grace and his salvation.

All these things the atheist and unbeliever have shut themselves out by their own choice.

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*Romans 13:1-7.

**1 Peter 2:13-17.

Some Challenging Issues to the Faith

I always recall my earlier days of church life. With each of us holding the Baptist Hymnbook with its characteristic green hardback cover, all our heads were slightly bowed as we sang with gusto:-

The perfect redemption, the purchase of blood, to every believer the promise of God,

The vilest offender who truly believes, that moment from Jesus a pardon receives.

Then the song burst into its chorus:-

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the earth hear His voice!

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, let the people rejoice!

Oh, come to the Father through Jesus the Son and give Him the glory, great things He has done.

It's a beautiful song, a classic, written by Francis J. Crosby in 1875, and unlike most modern songs, it's still sung in churches to this day, over more than a century after publication.

Francis Jane Crosby

It's without a doubt that Crosby felt excited over her redemption. That was why she wrote the hymn - to express her feelings by thanking and praising God, and that despite she was blind! And as one not long after becoming a believer myself, I felt my own spirit rise with encouragement as I too sang with gusto.

But looking back into history, I can't help thinking of the anomalies such songs would cause me to think, such as looking back into British history, for example. One issue is to come to terms with the possibility of Jack the Ripper having believed in Jesus after murdering several London prostitutes and yet not only escaping legal justice but his identity remaining a mystery to this day. If this character heard the Gospel whilst on the run, and believed, how does it make me feel about him entering Heaven while his female victims are languishing in Hell, not having had the opportunity to hear and respond to the Gospel before their demise?

Then not to mention other serial killers who were active in the UK: John Reginald Christie, Dr Harold Shipman, Peter Sutcliffe, Fred and Rose West, all of them targeted mainly women, then there were Ian Brady and his partner, Myra Hindley, who in the mid-sixties, having killed five children just for kicks, While she was in prison, it was said that Hindley became a Christian sometime before her death. Only God knew the state of her heart during her latter years. There were even female killers too, such as Mary Ann Cotton who poisoned more than twenty victims, Amelia Dyer, who killed young children in her care as a nurse and then as a Victorian baby farmer. Then there was Beverly Allitt, also known as the Angel of Death, who killed four babies and attempted to kill nine more.

These are just a few of many British serial killers, any one of them could have "truly believed, that moment from Jesus a pardon received" - despite the possibility of the souls of many of their victims remaining eternally lost.

I have read at least two books on ex-gangsters who, later in life became Christians and even entered the ministry. Nicky Cruz, in his book, Run Baby Run, tells of his life as a New York gangster who harmed many victims. Whether any of them died in his hands, here I can't say - it's a long time since I read his biography. But he was remarkably saved by God and should enter Heaven in his afterlife. Unfortunately, his victims may not be so fortunate. The other book I read was Hell's Angel by Brian Greenaway. According to his biography, after causing much trouble and harm to others as a Hell Angel, he became a Christian while serving at Dartmoor prison, and retaining his long hair, he too entered the ministry.

Indeed, according to Jesus' own words, the tax collector and prostitutes may enter the Kingdom of God before the Pharisees, but that doesn't calm my concerns about all those born in a Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu or even a Catholic country. Is it really more fortunate to be born in a Christian country where the Bible can be expounded in churches without any opposition? Is it true that a baby born in the USA, Canada, Australia, or Great Britain has a far greater chance of receiving salvation than one born in India, China, Iran, or even in Catholic-dominated Mediterranean lands or a baby born in South America? These issues I have found to be challenging to my own faith.

It's believed by most Christians that if a baby dies soon after birth, or even stillborn, its soul would be immediately with Jesus in heaven, although not as a baby but as an adult, yet devoid of any memory of its earthly life. But if the doctors fought hard to save the baby's life, so it grows up to see adulthood - but also brought up by unbelieving parents to become an atheist, would he had been far better off having died in infancy? And so, such questions circulate my mind.

Talking of atheists, how would I answer if one of them came to me with his knowledge of God ordering King Saul to have his army slaughter all the Amalekites just so God can have his vindication? But here, it's not just the men, but women, children, and all infants must also be killed, along with all their cattle, sheep, camels and donkeys - 1 Samuel 15. I would find my answer - that the children would have still gone to Heaven - a very weak and pathetic excuse to justify the love and goodness of God. This, I honestly admit, is one of the "crunchers" in the Bible with which I can't look an atheist in the eye.

And, oh yes, that very obscure verse found in 2 Samuel 12:8. Here, it's God who, through the prophet Nathan, said that he gave to David his master's house and all his master's wives into his bosom (KJV) and if that wasn't enough, he would have given him more. Of all that the Bible says about marriage, this is indeed the oddest verse to be found therein. In Genesis 2, God assigns Eve to be Adam's wife, and apparently, this is upheld throughout the New Testament that the man must be the husband of one wife only. And so, the churches endorse this, even in some cases, threatening Hell for anyone who divorces and remarries. One well-known itinerant English preacher, the late David Pawson, taught this quite clearly, and one year in the 1990s, during Spring Harvest at Butlins, Minehead, he almost sent an entire auditorium into a near-riot after announcing that to marry a divorcee will cost them their salvation.

Spring Harvest Bible Festival, Minehead, UK.

Too bad for poor Abraham, who slept with his maidservant Hagar while his wife Sarah was still alive. Or Jacob, who had two wives, Leah and Rachel, as well as sleeping with two other maidservants. And there was Elkanah who also had two wives living concurrently, Peninnah and Hannah - 1 Samuel 1:1-2. Peninnah had children, but Hannah was barren, that is until she prayed fervently for a son and promised to dedicate him to the services of God for life. After the birth of Samuel, Hannah sang a song of thanksgiving and praise to God, a song that was also sung by the virgin Mary in the company of Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist.

If these modern preachers such as Pawson and his ilk were right, then all these men and women in the Old Testament would now be eternally lost. But it looks far more plausible that they are now all in Heaven. I, therefore, conclude then that it's okay for me to sleep with other women as long as I still have my wife Alex. But if Alex and I were to divorce and I marry somebody else, then it will be Hell for both my new wife and me, and perhaps for Alex, too! However, most churches would be quite likely to accept a divorced person into its congregation, even one who has remarried - but if a male homosexual who has "come out for honesty's sake" - was to join the church, or attempt to join, then everyone would look at him with suspicion - even if that person abstains from any sexual activity for the sake of the Gospel!

But for the gay person, as for those who are mentally distressed, or physically ill, there is always the healing ministry. While I'm writing this (on a Saturday) I am aware that at tomorrow's service, the preach will be about supernatural healing performed by Jesus during his ministry, recorded in the Gospel of Mark, and part of the sermon would include how willing for God to heal today. Indeed, I have heard of numerous tales of people of every calibre receiving healing. But that is often for very mild ailments. However, even the healing of the more serious illnesses, such as kidney failure or even cancer, such testimonies usually stay within the church and never find their way even to the local newspaper with the Doctor's official endorsement, let alone on TV or on a national scale. 

The truth is, after watching my beloved suffering a neurological disability for the last eight years, and even our church elders and I praying over and over again for her, throughout the whole of my 69 years of life, I had never seen any form of supernatural healing with my own eyes. Or, as I have admitted during a Zoom prayer meeting, throughout the whole of my Christian life dating back nearly fifty years, I have heard about but never seen any supernatural healing. Surely, real healing - such as that of a lifelong paralytic - would impact the church so much that the Media will want to know more about it. How much of a greater impact would a literal raising of a dead individual make?

And so, around 1998, one of our church members died of leukaemia. As the body lay inside our church building, a charismatic pastor from another church several miles away and who has guest-preached at our church several times already, arrived to try to raise him from the dead utilizing prayer through faith. Nothing happened. Instead, the fellow remained as much dead as before. Eventually, this preacher stopped visiting us. But had he been successful, alas! I wouldn't have been there to witness the miracle.

To the atheist, along with most unbelievers, our present tales of healing are lacking enough substance not to convince them of the presence and the power of God. Even in Jesus' day, when he performed miracles of healing, including raising the dead, word spread rapidly across the whole of Israel, and beyond. Apparently, people as far apart as Egypt and Sidon became aware of them. Nevertheless, the greater majority of the Jews refused to believe in the demonstrated power of God, even rebuking the Lord for healing on the Sabbath instead of acknowledging his divine being. Supernatural healing doesn't necessarily result in mass conversions.

Listening to the atheist express his opinion on a YouTube video can be quite enlightening on what he believes in, what he doesn't believe in, and why. And one ex-Jehovah's Witness who has turned to atheism list five animals to prove that God doesn't exist. Yes, I have already discussed this in a previous blog which was recently posted. However, these five animals include the box jellyfish, the snake, the bed bug, the mosquito, and the human. On the box jellyfish or the sea wasp, as it's also known by, he asks why did God create such a creature that has the potential to kill an adult man if its sting is left untreated, let alone a child first screaming in pain! Yet, according to the presenter, there is no benefit for such a creature to exist. 

As for the human, he asks why, if God is so perfect in his creation if childbearing is such a strain to the mother. This includes morning sickness, pain in the lower abdomen, a general feeling of discomfort, miscarriage or spontaneous abortion, the possibility of stillbirth, premature birth and needing intensive care for the baby, labour pains, bleeding... If God had created everything so lovingly perfect, then why so much distress in childbearing? Rather, isn't this the result of the imperfections picked up during the process of Evolution, and that in its last explosive stages, Evolution had skewed in its upward progress - a theory fully in line with proper scientific thinking?

And another atheist asks why, if God is so loving and merciful, then why are some animals created to be carnivorous? He then chooses the crocodile lunging at a zebra as it tries to cross the river to reach better pastures. He then describes how the mammal suffers prolonged pain as it struggles to escape the reptile's jaws as they penetrate the flesh and bleeds, staining the river water with blood. And then the sorry sight of a newly-hatched chick, a favourite snack for some preditors. The scene is filmed by the camera crew as the fluffy hatchling struggles to escape the jaw of its attacker while it was waiting for its mother to return with its food. And so, in the African grasslands, herds of peaceful herbivores suddenly panic and flee from the advancing lions or cheetahs, and the meat-eaters go for the cub, struggling to flee as it's caught up and subdued by the hungry predator. 

Such is the real world created by a loving, merciful God. With such mountains of knowledge so easily accessible, to share my faith to win converts would be nigh impossible. Even with the raising of the dead right in front of them, they would find some scientific proof that the deceased wasn't dead after all, and all he needed was a nudge to wake him up. 

Yes, I have some issues against my Christian faith. But will all this make me an apostate? Will I turn atheistic after picking up so much knowledge and revelation?

No, for at the end of the day I will never lose my Christian faith. And Part Two of this blog, which will deal with defending my faith, will be posted next week. 

The Most Glorious Gift.

Although the characters and circumstances here are fictitious, the story is based on various true incidences I have seen, heard and even read about in the past.

                                                                      ***

There were two friends, two men about the same age. One was married, the other single. The married one was Ted, the other, Doug. Ted was the married one. The two had known each other for several years. Then one day, Doug's church closed down due to a combined shrinking congregation and in deep financial debt, and the building where the main services were held went into administration.

Doug, who lived on his own, began to miss the Sunday corporate worship, and he began to feel lonely. One day, he phoned his mate Ted and asked whether he can come around to enjoy the company of his mate and his wife, Sandra, as Doug was also aware that both of his friend's daughters had already flown the nest. Their eldest daughter had just started a career up in Nottinghamshire, the other a student at Bristol University.

Doug was keen on both comedy and documentaries. And so, Doug began to call at Ted's home once a week for lunch and TV, whilst also visiting other churches with a hope of finding one that has permanent suitability.

Both liked to greet each other with a hug, and also to part with a hug too. And it was for this reason that, on one occasion, Ted assured his friend that despite such affection, he was not gay - his years of happy marriage to Sandra verifying this. Sometimes, the two mates went out together. Day trips to London were also common, both with and without Sandra. However, if one of the two boys needed to answer a call of nature at a public restroom, the other usually waited outside. Neither thought otherwise, except for those occasional moments when both had to meet their need.

Yet, Ted slowly began to worship Doug. This was out of admiration for his friend's academic qualities, including a doctorate. Ted was just the opposite. He failed at school and left education to enter the real world of manual work without any qualifications, much to the disappointment of his parents, who were ashamed of their comparatively dim son living in a neighbourhood full of bright kids.

In turn, Doug's high level of education made a deep impression on Ted's psyche, and he began to develop a fetish for Doug's bare arms, as he tends to wear a tee-shirt whenever the weather is mild. For weeks on end, the husband and father felt attracted towards his mate's sleeveless limbs and even stroked them whilst sitting at a table in a bar or restaurant. Doug seemed to enjoy the sensation.

Then, one day, Ted was becoming tired of what he thought was living a lie. Even in his wife's arms in bed, his spirit felt agitated, and he was unable to sleep properly. He knew that he had to confess to his friend what was going on in his mind. He felt that he couldn't go on like this. He then phoned and confessed to the fetish he felt for his friend's upper limbs.

The response was not what Ted had hoped for. What he would have wanted was Doug's sympathetic attitude expressed in a talk concluding in an agreement with a promise from Ted that he won't stroke his bicep anymore, and it would help if his mate wore a long-sleeved shirt or a jumper. But instead, his response was:

Thanks for your honesty. I won't be seeing you or Sandra anymore. And that was it. Ted then realised that Doug was sitting in Moses' seat. By heck, Ted then thought to himself: With Christians like Doug, along with others with similar attitudes representing the churches, no wonder atheism is spreading across this so-called "Christian country" as fast as mould spreads across stale bread!

Yet despite the shock, Ted felt deeply for his former friend. How he now regrets making the confession and how much he wishes to turn back the clock! Doug was the closest friend he has ever had, a mate who cared for him and had none of the snobbery or the arrogance that many well-educated men have over those not so well endowed academically. He was a far cry from many an Etonian, for example, whose privileged upbringing gave him that sense of entitlement - that attitude history has shown to be obnoxious. As a doctor, Doug was never like any of those posh people. And so, Ted sits there and looks around. How he wished that he simply kept his hands to himself and his mouth shut! 

But his conscience wouldn't allow it. Rather, he knew that even as a Christian, he was still accountable to God, and one day he will stand before the Bema Seat of Christ, a rostrum where rewards are given out to faithful believers. It will be no place to shed tears of regret. Hence, his initial confession.

In the nights following the loss of his friend, Ted began to have dreams of his relationship with Doug. The first one was of Doug acting with such hostility that Ted thought that he was about to be killed. A few nights later, another dream Ted had, was of Doug and himself becoming reconciled and the friendship resumes. He was disappointed when he woke up to reality.

With his wife's encouragement, it didn't take very long to re-acquaint to life without Doug visiting, even though he still miss his friend's weekly calls. As he sat and meditated, he knew that he wasn't a homosexual. Although he had a fetish for his friend's arms, that was it. He also knew that the very thought of a naked embrace with another man - any man - was repulsive enough never to engage in such activity, let alone share a bed!  

                                                                        ***

Yet, both Ted and Doug were true Christian believers. With Ted, did he commit a serious sin? I guess that would be up to him to decide. And perhaps it's exactly about this issue that I watched a YouTube video presented by a one-time Christian-turned-atheist. According to the unbeliever, religion binds a heavy burden of condemnation on those who may have such fetishes. In truth, they can't help feeling the way they do, but God will still judge them, nevertheless. Although some gays like to "live it up" - the vast majority would never have chosen to be that way. Had it been entirely up to them, most would have preferred to be "straight" - marry and raise a family. Furthermore, the rate of suicides committed by gay men had always been the highest among all other causes of suicide, according to what I once read. Indeed, given the choice, one doesn't choose to be gay.

But, according to the atheist's worldview, he is still condemned by God and by the Church, and therefore, he will spend eternity in Hell, even if he can't help feeling that way. It does make me wonder: of the two kinds of "sexual deviation" having a fetish for another man but hardly making any form of physical contact or a man who sleeps with other women, or even with a prostitute? Is one more acceptable to other Christians than the other, and thus, have a better chance for salvation?

And so it brings me to ask about Ted and Doug. If Ted, say, out on a gardening or landscaping job, finds the lady of the house attractive and she too likes him, and the two end up in bed, how would Doug react? Would he stay away and end the friendship with Ted? Or would he give him a stern telling off, but decide to continue with the friendship? Or even merely encourage him that we all have weaknesses and these things happen - with reassurance that the church will cover for him?

And so, the debate goes on both within and without the church - campaigns against gay marriage, even a Court case over whether to bake a cake for a homosexual couple, is it right to be friends and associate with a gay person? Is it right for anyone to divorce and remarry? Will he who marries a divorced woman suffer God's judgement? 

And so, the debate is continually thrown back and forth across the table, with fundamental Christians sitting on one side and liberals sitting on the opposite side, the nominal onlooker walks away feeling confused, even discontented, and the atheist hardens his heart as he embraces Darwinism with a greater sense of enthusiasm. 

And so, in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul the Apostle lists a whole plethora of sins, including "men burning with lust towards other men and reaping in their bodies (STD, AIDS etc.) the consequence of their actions" - Romans 1:27. Surely, not quite like Ted's mere fetish for Doug's arms! Or is it?

Then, further on in his letter, Paul quotes Genesis 15:6 -

Abraham believed in the Lord and it was credited to him as righteousness.

This single line is, to my opinion, the most powerful verse in the entire Bible. In his letter to Rome, Paul devotes three full chapters to that quote. He mentions it again in his letter to the churches in Galatia, and James also uses the same quote in his general letter to all Jewish Christians everywhere. In Paul's other letters, especially to the church in Ephesus, further implications of those words can be read.

Most theologians call this doctrine, Justification by Faith. I like to call it Imputed Righteousness - an answer to the Roman Catholic soteriology of Infused Righteousness, where salvation is a gradual process of faith combined with the believer's works needed to get to Heaven. Since I was born a Catholic and thus, fully able to make comparisons, I can see that the whole letter to the Romans is the answer to the future Roman Catholic Church which the Holy Spirit foreknew beforehand of its rise.

In the forensic sense, Imputed Righteousness is to be declared righteous by God the Judge without the need of a single work from the believer. It literally means that God the Father sees the believer as equally righteous and in the same light as his own Son, Jesus Christ. As Paul writes:-

However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness. Romans 4:5. 

Imputed righteousness is a free gift from God given to the sinner by grace. It cannot be earned, neither is it for sale. Rather, it's a free gift given to everyone who believes that Jesus of Nazareth died on the cross to make atonement, was buried, and three days later, he rose physically from the dead, thus proving that this Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God.

Therefore, is Doug doing the right thing by abstaining from Ted's presence? If Ted is a true believer, and I take it that he is, then Doug has no right to keep his distance from him. Rather, Doug should recognise that Ted has his own set of weaknesses, for whom Christ died to atone and to make an effort to reconcile and restore the friendship. And that means not counting any of his shortcomings against him. Likewise, Ted should also recognise Doug being in Christ and pay him due respect by vowing not to stroke his arms anymore.

The Resurrected Christ, the base for our justification.

Imputed Righteousness, Justification by Faith, Forensic Acquittal, Eternal Security, Once Saved Always Saved, Regeneration, a New Birth, Adoption into God's Family - whatever you want to call it, it all means one thing - salvation is given as a free gift through grace. Such a wonderful gift does not encourage the believer to sin more, rather it persuades the believer not to sin, mainly out of love for both God and his brother.

But, being human, I'm convinced that there is a bit of Ted and Doug in all of us, to a greater or lesser level. The temptation to fulfil a curiosity is never far away, sitting on Moses' seat isn't far from us, either. As if you see another sinner who appears black, you would feel as if you're white, even if you're actually grey.

Unfortunately, that was how Doug saw himself when he discovered Ted's true colours.

A Cure for Low Self-Esteem.

If you are a Christian believer reading this, then may I ask:

How would you feel if I admit to watching two naked lovers having sex on the BBC Iplayer?

Would you gasp in surprise? Or start praying desperately that I have not hit the road to apostasy? Or even click off this page and log on to another website if not slamming the lid of your laptop shut?

But please read on, the "how to..." will follow.

It is here that I want to make a point which I feel is very important, and therefore I don't want to put out a wrong message. As a Christian myself, I do not want to encourage anyone to watch porn, whether it's on the screen or on magazine paper. For many, indulging in porn to stimulate desire is sinful, and as such, I would not encourage it, neither would I play down the seriousness of sin.

Having said that, such close-ups don't bother me. I don't get sexually excited or stimulated by such scenes. Therefore, it was no different to me than if I watched an edition of Songs of Praise on a typical Sunday evening. After all, as a married man, both my wife and I can enjoy such naked intimacy whenever we want to, without a camera fixed upon our torsos and without a bloke behind the camera, operating it - and without the slightest guilt of sin. 

As a matter of fact, it was in 1994, whilst staying at a mixed dorm of a small backpacker's hostel in the heart of Jerusalem Old City during its peak season, that was when the dorm was crammed with young couples, predominantly from Scandinavia, Holland and perhaps Denmark, sleeping in each other's arms on mattresses laid out on the floor, whispering to each other loving endearments just as little as a few feet away.

Alone on a narrow single bunk bed, I slept well each night under the domed Medieval ceiling without any problems. Really, I couldn't give a toss about who was around me. I was far more interested in the Holy Land with its many archaeological sites, its ancestry, its Middle East culture, physical beauty and its links with Biblical history than I was in what was going on between the couples around me.

But I digress. The intimate scenes were not the reason why I wanted to watch the adult drama, Normal People, a twelve-part series with its first episode aired only earlier this week. Rather it was to watch the lives of two schoolmates, Connell Waldron (Paul Mescal) and Marianne Sheridan (Daisy Edger-Jones) - he from a working-class background and she from a middle-class one. Both lived with their single mothers who were both divorced. Furthermore, Connell's mother worked as a cleaner at the posh home of Marianne's mother who also has an older son, Alan Sheridan (Frank Blake) - Marianne's brother.

Normal People characters Connell and Marianne

What led me to watch the whole series over four evenings this week was the first episode, and I was keen to watch the climax, how the story ends. Connell was a popular boy, a hero among his mates. Not only was he getting ready for university life, but this very intelligent, bright youth was also brilliant on the school football pitch. Topless for a moment, he made sure that we saw his superb physique on the pitch after taking off his shirt after the game ended. He, with his teammates, played Gaelic Football against a rival school vying for the championship league cup. Having scored two or more winning goals, he was the hero of his team and of the whole school. Meanwhile, Marrianne was one of the many spectators, dressed in a drab grey uniform, sitting at the grandstand. 

In contrast to Connell, Marianne was unpopular at school. She was teased both by the boys and other girls alike for having a "stuck-up" attitude which included disrespect for the teacher's authority. Yet, like Connell, she too was very bright, something which earned the jealous wrath of her brother Alan.

This "Plain Jane" image of a timid, immature schoolgirl who feels worthless and neglected was not the first I have watched on TV. Around 34-31 years ago a family-viewing Australian soap, Neighbours, featured this new arrival who took on residence with her grandmother's after the death of either one or both parents. Feeling ashamed of herself, she kept herself to herself. It was not until after she left school for uni, and shed her uniform when her ravishing beauty and her extroversion came out, and it wasn't long before she had a boyfriend and enjoyed popularity with her peers.

The same happened with Marianne. When she started at Trinity College at Dublin, a 130-mile drive from her home town in Sligo County of the Republic of Ireland, her beauty shone and she gained instant popularity with her fellow students, and with Connell also attending the same college, a rather bumpy relationship developed between the two of them.

But it's Connell I really want to focus on here. Very bright, athletic and good looking, this guy knew how to socialise with his fellow students. He was a good contributor to his committee and he was very popular with female students as well as male. Literally, girls were queuing up to share his bed. Furthermore, even at a young age, he knew how to handle responsibility and look after himself in such a mature manner, so far away from home and without his Mum's interference. In addition to all this, he was studying for a degree in English, with the goal as a writer, whether as a novelist or journalist, I couldn't be too sure, but there was a hint of a novelist. Writing for a living was something I always had a wish for.

Jane Harris (Annie Jones) in Neighbours, 1984 onwards.

Connell's life as an undergraduate was a world away from my own experience in growing up. I was unpopular at school, in the slow learner's class, and feeling of little worth. And this feeling of worthlessness was enforced at home, at school and later, at work when having to push a broom across the workshop floor, I was teased and constantly reminded of my worthlessness. The psychological damage gotten from this lifelong experience, caused by having Asperger's Syndrome which was unknown to me at the time, wasn't fully eliminated until I married Alex decades later.

As such, had I watched this drama around 35-40 years ago, I would have turned off the TV the moment Marianne begged Connell to take off his clothes whilst both were still at school. But such an action would not be due to Christian convictions or piety! Instead, I would have turned off the telly through envy.

Like Jane in Neighbours and Marianne in Normal People, I too began to change for the better after leaving school. But it took a lot longer. During my first five years of employment in an all-male environment, its culture was centred upon the idea of picking up a girlfriend and enticing her to share his bed was the ultimate fulfilment of masculine virility. This attracts respect, even admiration. Thus, it came as no surprise that my supervisor often boasted of his army days when enticing women to share his bed was as easy as ABC, thus rubbing it in that having no girlfriend made me feel even more of a failure.

Indeed, as a result of this culture, I felt ashamed of being single. Whilst still living at home, the one thing I wanted to do, above all other things, was to marry and raise a family.

Had I watched such a drama as Normal People back then, would it have resulted in a very harmful mental outlook and shaky emotions? But here I would like how such a psychological state can be overcome, even to the point of immunity when surrounded by courting couples in a hostel dormitory. Even the title of the drama would have rubbed salt into the wound. Normal People? So that's how all undergraduates live and interact with others, isn't it? And that's normal? If so, doesn't that indicate that I'm not normal, but way below?

So what were the steps to free me from such psychological bondage?

First, faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour. This I believe to be the very foundation and first step towards freedom. This includes learning to pray, regular reading of the Bible and church attendance. I turned to Jesus Christ in December 1972, less than five years after leaving school. To develop a loving Father/son relationship with God is vital for any psychological healing.

Secondly, I found hobbies which delight me. They were several wholesome activities. I would go further to say that it was triune of interesting activities - Travel, Photography and Writing, and these three are interrelating. Various sports I have found enjoyable. And here I mean enjoyable. At school, I had to participate in team sports such as soccer and rugby, which was under compulsion. I have watched other boys receive corporal punishment for forgetting to bring their kit on the day. But Triathlon was one individual competitive sport I enjoyed participating in the years 1985-1992, which was purely voluntary.

Flying the nest was another brick in the building towards freedom from low self-esteem. Learning how to be responsible for making my own decisions and how to manage my own finances, and feeling free to go out for the evening without answering to Mum's question of Where have you been, is another liberating benefit, as well as constantly criticised by Dad over my faith in Christ. I moved into my bachelor's pad in May 1976, at a grand old age of 23 years. The saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder is indeed true here. By living alone, after a while, I began to feel a greater level of affection towards my parents.

This is a threefold building or bulwark against the feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem. And that as a single person. I feel that participation in such interesting and wholesome activities is just as vital as faith in Christ itself. When I first believed, not only have I gained a friend in Jesus Christ, but I have also gained an enemy, an Adversary who will always remind me of my worthlessness and sins, making me feel that I'm no good for God. These bulwarks help guard against such lies.

Then there is my job. Going self-employed in 1980 was another brick in the wall against low self-esteem, as this involves responsibility which was once taken care of by my employer. But even then, my mistake of comparing my social standing with other Christians of my age bracket in the church, just about all graduates, has caused a relapse into a sense of worthlessness. Especially when I struggled with finances as one self-employed and therefore unable to travel. This was worse during the 1980s.

An "explosion" of travel occurred after receiving a vision from God on October 1992 to fly to Israel on the following year specifically to pray for Jerusalem. By August 1993, I found myself entering a small medieval building in the heart of the Old City of Jerusalem and climbed the stairs to the reception upstairs to ask whether a bed was available. Thus, the New Swedish Hostel on Souk David was going to mean a lot to me, especially afterwards in 1994, where I'm due to spend a whole month there as a resident.

New Swedish Hostel opened onto this street.

By then, since after eighteen years after flying the nest, I have grown immune to the want of marriage and I began to feel content for being single. This was justified, as a door has opened for worldwide travel. Combine this with my love of photography and later, writing, with each of the three well soaked in God's love and my faith in Him and an efficient bulwark against low self-esteem has been established within.

It was at the height of World Travel era in 1998 when Alex came along. 1998 was the year I flew out to New York for a short stop-gap break before planning to fly out to Cape Town in the year 2000 for another Round the World trip. But just when I was no longer looking for marriage, and I was content to remain a bachelor for life (as some of my friends still are to this day, most of them graduates) - instead, marriage found me, and Alex and I tied the knot in October 1999.

I am aware that any single person, man or woman, suffering loneliness may find this difficult to read and I apologise for that, but if If I'm likening the bulwark against low self-esteem as a building, then marriage is the final paintwork, or if likened to a cake, it's the cherry on the top.

Although I might get a wave of feeling worthless from time to time, my life's testimony, inspired by watching an adult play on television late in the evening after Alex had gone to bed is, I hope, a demonstration of God's power to everyone who believes. 

Two Decades, Looking Back...

As I get older, time seems to fly. Especially after retirement from 47 years at a full-paid job, the last 35 years being self-employed. But since this is the final blog of not only the year 2019 but the whole of the 2010s, here I would like to look back at the enormous changes over the last twenty years which enabled us to strengthen our marriage bond and to feel the privilege to take on a new responsibility as a carer, something I had never anticipated during my earlier years of both bachelorhood or married life alike.

2010 began not long after our 10th anniversary. During those days making up the first three years of the 2010s decade, Alex began to suffer from periodic back trouble every day. This I believe, was a psychosomatic throwback of both mental and emotional stresses we both suffered towards the latter end of 2004 and much of 2005, the sort of traumas which could have ended our marriage, but for remembering the wedding vows made before both God and the congregation in 1999, with God's help, I was determined to make our marriage not only stable but strong and robust. And Alex had no intention of separating, either, even though she was advised to do so by Social Services!

But it was also the time of fulfilled dreams. So highly valued were our wedding anniversaries that we made something of them. These included trips abroad as well as within the UK. Overseas destinations within this decade included Kos, Malta, and Paris (twice). This reflects the restrictions our health has recently imposed on us, as within the previous decade, the 2000s, our anniversary trips together included Israel, Rhodes, and Sicily, together with non-anniversary trips such as to Lanzarote during midwinter of 2006. 

And not to rule out our overnight train trip to Inverness from London Euston during the Summer of 2005, a trip deemed very necessarily after what we've been through, and which included hiring two bicycles, one for each of us, to ride the 18-mile 29 km of the northwest coast of Loch Ness to Urquhart Castle, located midway along the Loch. After spending a couple of hours at the lakeside ruin, we then cycled back to Inverness, making a total trip of 36 miles done in a day. Although to my standard, this is quite a moderate distance (I was able to cover up to a hundred miles 162 km in a day on a lightweight bicycle.) For Alex, this was quite an achievement, even surprising the cycle shop owners from where we hired the bikes, who believed that such a trip couldn't be covered in just a day. 

Urquhart Castle, Scotland.

This is a reflection of my beloved's health during those early years of our marriage. Also, she was able to out-run me easily, her lithe physique enabled her to perform fast sprints whenever necessary. 

It goes to show that the 2010s was a decade of massive change and a time for my faith in God to pass through the fire of testing. During the Summer of 2013, we packed our rucksacks for a camping trip to the Dorset resort of Swanage, the gateway town for the Jurassic Coastline with its coastal hiking trail. Alex loved camping and the Great Outdoors. I preferred hosteling, however, the very thought of sleeping in a shared dormitory with other females was anathema to her! So we camped at a site just outside the resort, after a sailing trip from Bournemouth Pier, where the view of Old Harry Rocks, the Foreland and the chalk cliffs of Ballard Down, all viewed from the sea, resulting in an unforgettable experience.

After several nights spent under canvas, the day we were to return home, the weather deteriorated, with gales and rainfall compelling us not to sail back to Bournemouth but instead to take the bus. It was a bad decision. The shaking of the vehicle over rough ground had destabilised her spine, causing a severe pain which immobilised her. She literally struggled to board the train at Bournemouth, and once back home, it took just two more days for her to lay on the floor completely immobilised, a paralysis which rendered both her legs immovable, although not her arms. We called our GP to come on a home visit. At first, he refused. So I had to persuade him over the phone to come and see for himself. Eventually, he agreed to come over. He took just one look at her lying there on the lounge floor and immediately called for the ambulance. With a GP's consultancy, she was admitted to Royal Berks Hospital in Reading, a twenty-minute train journey away from home. There she would stay as an inpatient for up to four months leading to December 2013.

I visited her every single day, including the two weeks she was at John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. It was here, by her bedside, where we spent our 14th Wedding Anniversary while she lay semi-conscious. It was devastating. We were meant to have celebrated our 14th in Crete, where several months earlier I had booked and paid the full price - airfare and hotel - to spend a week there. To cancel, then to imagine some other couple taking our place on a cheap, last-minute deal was very unsettling.

She made a recovery to a certain extent but never enough to regain her full mobility. After discharge, it was the wheelchair whenever she was out of doors. The wheelchair was not supplied by the NHS, rather, I bought it myself for her. Later, for her to enjoy greater independence, I bought her a mobility scooter and a shed to house it in. Paul, a good friend of mine in the church, and I took a full day to erect it.

Ballard Down chalk cliff and Old Harry, taken 2017.

However, just a following year, in the Summer of 2014, I began to find breathing at night difficult along with a sense of fluid in my lungs. Alex persuaded me to visit our GP, who immediately sent for my chest to be X-rayed. It came back with a result. My heart was enlarged and not pumping properly. Therefore followed trips to a couple of hospitals until I was diagnosed with a regurgitating aortic valve, and therefore in need of a major heart operation. And so in February 2015, I was admitted to Harefield Hospital in Uxbridge for open-heart surgery. After this and following further tests, I was put on Warfarin for life along with other drugs. Visits for post-surgery hospital check-ups every few months has become a regular schedule right up to the present.

Unfortunately, the 2010s did not bring full harmony with my relationship with Ascot Life Church, my spiritual home. Among the congregation, there is just one man in particular who has a thorough dislike for me, simply for my love of hugging other people in the church, mostly men. Shortly after discharge from Harefield Hospital, a dispute with an Elder, in connection with this man, during Spring of 2015 opened the door for a sabbatical, that is, to take three months off from church commitment to visit twelve other churches, a different one for each Sunday.

But after my return to Ascot, I couldn't help feel the poison in the air whenever this man is present with us. This has been ongoing until very recently when he suddenly stopped attending. At least for now. But every week, right up to the present, I always expect him to turn up unannounced, and I look around with dreadful anticipation.

This man's perception of God is of a truculent Deity who is usually dissatisfied with how some Christians relate to such a fickle-minded divinity. Not surprising at all, come to think of it, that this fellow sees the truth of imputed righteousness of Christ credited to the believer's soul, which leads to eternal security - to be heretical, a dangerous heresy. He also has very low self-esteem and carries an unhealthy preference for graduates, especially those who are married and hold down a professional career. Therefore I wasn't at all surprised for him to turn up to hear a preach delivered by one married graduate at an evening service during the early Summer of 2018.

His discourse was about the first chapter of Genesis which he believes to be on the same authoritative level as the Enuma Elish, an ancient Babylonian document about how the Creation of the heavens and the earth, with all its life, was from a dispute among warring gods. This reminded me of another ancient document, the Gilgamesh Epic, which most secularists place as the true source of the tale of Noah's Flood, above the authority of Genesis. Afterwards, I asked him directly whether he believes the Genesis record is history. He denied it, insisting that Science holds the reins of truth instead, hence questioning the reliability of the Bible to a congregation of listeners.

Yet despite these setbacks, I always had a passionate love for Ascot Life Church, my spiritual home. But to seek relief from the presence of this aforementioned man, God has allowed a beautiful friendship to develop between Dr Andrew Milnthorpe and myself. It actually took off in the Autumn of 2016, when I invited him to attend a conference in Central London which was held by Creation Ministries International. This two-day conference, which involved a night stayed at the Premier Inn Hotel near Waterloo Station, has opened the door for a relationship with someone with an IQ much higher than the foe at Ascot, despite the latter's adoration for the well-educated.

Within the last two years, Andrew has invited me to Encounter, a midweek lunchtime meeting held at the Kerith Centre, with, of course, a self-serve buffet included. Held only during the school term, I only went to it whenever Andrew was allowed the day off, or even the afternoon off, from work, which tends to be sporadic, hence, an invitation to come along can come at very short notice. A development from there is the swim and sauna immediately after the closing of the meeting, as well as day trips to London to visit a museum.

Another reason why 2019 was remarkable. This year was the diagnosis of Alex having breast cancer. Discovered by a Consultant at Frimley Park Hospital back in April 2019, it didn't take long for her to have her affected breast removed, followed by a course of chemotherapy, which was the cause of her hair loss. With this, I'm very, very grateful for the NHS! This after realising what my friend Paul had said to me, that had we lived a century earlier, there would have been nothing the physicians could do. Instead, I would have watched my beloved suffer in pain as her cancer worsened and to die a premature death. I went home that day almost in tears, and grateful to God for allowing us to live in the present when scientific expertise had literally saved my wife's life.

2019 consisted of trips, back and forth, back and forth, to Frimley Park Hospital. This includes the three days she stayed in after her operation. But this also includes the eleven days she had to remain, a few weeks later, after an ambulance pick up from our home to the A&E department. This was due to the discovery of her low white cell count due to her chemotherapy, and the development of feverishness, which if left untreated, could have led to sepsis.

Oh, the days of loneliness as I spent the nights and mornings in an otherwise empty house, save for the goldfish. But the level of comfort gotten from the aquatic organism was practically zero. I wanted my beloved wife to be with me. Back and forth to Frimley Park Hospital by several means. One was by taxi, another by train, other times I actually cycled the 8.5 miles 13.8 km from my house to the hospital and back. But at other times, I can only thank those at our church who was willing to give us a lift, as well as the regular three-week journeys in my father-in-law's car.

Dr Andrew Milnthorpe, a good friend from 2016 - present.

The 2010s decade has changed my life in many ways, from the carefree, travel-loving husband of the late 2000s decade to the responsible carer of the present. This has given Alex tons of loving assurance, especially after the loss of her hair, and my trust in God's faithfulness has grown and matured. And also learning never to take anything for granted but to realise that each day we spend together is a strong, robust marriage is in itself a wonderful gift from God.

Chips are Down? There is Hope.

Ever made a decision and then immediately regret it? And before you can do anything about it, the cogs of the machinery begins to rotate, and there is absolutely no power to stop it. And that's how it looks.

And taking up a new banking agreement can be one of those regrettable decisions. It all begins with an unexpected phone call with a voice saying that my account might have been targeted by a fraudster. It's that living nightmare I have seen on TV documentaries such as Watchdog or Panorama. Immediately I put the phone down without saying a word and mounted my bicycle for a trip to town.

At my bank, I was fortunate that the advisor was free and wasn't dealing with any other customer. When I told him of my situation, he then led me into an office within a more experienced advisor sat. She investigated the rumour, and it was true, my account was targeted, following an online purchase. She then disabled the current account card, and I then received a new one within a few days. That should have been it, simple and straightforward. But instead, she went into a sales-patter mode about a promise of better protection if I took on a credit scheme. Feeling vulnerable, I signed the agreement. Moments later I had discovered that I have opened a credit card account.

The last time I held a credit card account was in the year 2000. Soon after discovering that my wife was pregnant with our first daughter, I made a phone call to the issuers, asking them to close my account while I paid off the last of what was still owing. I then cut the card into two halves and that was it - finito - after two decades of debt.

There was a time when the credit card stood in good stead, especially during my travels. Like the time when I wanted to make a booking at the Hosteling International Backpackers at Santa Monica, California. They would only accept a booking by credit card. Fortunately, I was able to pay in cash at arrival. Or when the Queen's birthday came around at the most awkward moment after running out of cash whilst at Hervey Bay in New South Wales. When the Queen's birthday comes around, Australia as a whole shuts down, leaving my thick wad of Traveler's Cheques temporarily unusable. I still had to pay for my stay at the hostel. My credit card came to the rescue.

Both of these incidents took place in 1997. Life was very different back then, without the Internet. Each month a paper statement dropped through the door. Funny, coming to think of it, they call it a statement, when really it's a bill, like an energy bill or a phone bill. But it meant a monthly visit to the bank or enclosing in an envelope provided, together with a cheque, and posted. But the debt lingered on and on as interest was piled on top. Unless I paid in full like you would have had to with American Express, or Diners Club, I was never debt-free during those twenty years.

I look back on such experiences with mixed feelings. It was good to be bailed out from a tough situation, especially while overseas, but the burden of being in debt hung over my head like a raincloud. Therefore, when it came to giving advice to a couple of upcoming nuptials by request at our church, one of my main points was don't open a credit account, and stay free of debt. I also added, to buy only within their means. If you cannot afford it, don't buy unless you are prepared to save up for it. I said this to two young Christian men shortly before they married. I think this is good wisdom, especially with the cost of holidays. To find a credit statement covering the airfare and hotel bill lying on the floor among the mail after arriving home from the airport can be debilitating, especially if it's back to work the very next day.

Therefore, it was at a moment of weakness when I fell for the sales pitch and allowed the bank to open a credit account. But in this modern tech age, the prospects look much dire than it did before. It's all to do with Internet banking, an idea I have always shrunk from. (After all, I am a pensioner and we oldies generally don't gel with money-handling technology behind our backs, do we?) I had little option but to call upon God for help while walking along the High Street - and back at home also read the terms and conditions, itself taking quite a number of pages. I eventually discovered that I'm in a "grace period" the two weeks within if I change my mind, I can close the account. I did precisely that, along with the need to cancel the newly-created direct-debit account.

At this stage, whether I'm now out of the woods, or still having my foot caught in one of the ferns growing among the trees, I have to wait and see. Furthermore, my beloved was also afraid - afraid for me, whether all this credit card scenario would have on my health. It gave much of an opportunity to reflect together.

When Alex asked why God allowed all these - the credit card agreement, her poor health with the latest on her breast cancer, my own life with heart failure - I had to sit beside her and think. And to reassure her.

I thought about our financial security, which I believe, is very different from the accumulation of wealth. Without a doubt, even the keenest of saints desire some sort of security, especially in finances, the desire to be free of debt, to be able to keep a roof over his head, adequate clothing, to put food on the table, and to enjoy such niceties such as an annual holiday, to buy toys for the kids, and to own a car as a useful commodity. Surely, we all want this. It's perfectly natural, so human. And as Jesus once reassured, our Father in heaven knows all this. He is not reluctant to meet all our needs.

However, by contrast, these fraudsters, for example, wish to accumulate wealth out of greed. They are not bothered about leaving another individual, a couple or a family in financial ruin just so the perpetrators can go out and buy that coveted Lamborghini to show off to his neighbours and arouse envy. It's that attitude, that greed which stirs anger in me, the sense of injustice.

Someone had already said to me that if I am without sin, then I should cast the first stone. Fair enough. But if the fraudsters were to target his bank account, clearing it out altogether, how would he feel? Having a hump? Or would he jump with joy, knowing that he is "persecuted" for the cause of Christ? 

In my talk with Alex, I came to the conclusion that it's better to suffer heavy losses - even to the extent of being stripped bare, and go to heaven - than it is to accumulate much wealth, live a life of luxury and end up in hell. That's was what I said to her.

This reminds me of Job, an Old Testament nomad who was stripped of all his wealth by bandits, lost all but one offspring in a terrible accident and became so ill that we came within an inch of death. He ended up with his breath so foul that even his wife couldn't remain any longer in his tent. Yet it was she who loudly declared that he should curse God and die (Job 2:7-10). To which he replied,

You are acting like a foolish woman! 

His integrity is what I admire about this man. His faith in God remained unmoved, even to the point when he declared, 

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he shall stand upon the earth.

And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God.

I myself will see him with my own eyes - I, and not another.

How my heart yearns within me!

Job 19:25-27.

Here he was basically advocating eternal security - he didn't condition his eternal state with any 'ifs' or 'buts', nor, "I must remain faithful lest I lose my salvation". Instead, he declared to his three doubting friends that he will see God! By referring to his Redeemer as standing upon the earth demonstrates his Resurrection from the dead, after an everlasting atonement has been made.

Lately, I have delved into Paul's letter to the Ephesians. In the first two chapters of that letter, the author demonstrates both the special love of God for all believers, which he couples with the sovereignty and omniscience of God. Not that God loves some people and not others. True enough, God so loved the world in a paternal sense he has for all his creation (John 3:16). But to all believers, God is their special Father.

The breaking down of the barrier between the Jew and the Gentile is what excited Paul, along with the drawing together of all from near and far away alike, as from the kingdom of darkness into God's Kingdom of light. This breaking down of the barriers I found so edifying. That means the dissolving of all international, racial and class barriers, the uniting of the three into one man whose head is Jesus Christ himself. 

This is a tonic I so much need in such a materialistic world, where institutions such as banks will strive to make a profit from the customer, and living at present in a political turmoil where their want for national isolation from Europe eclipses the unity of all believers in Jesus Christ regardless of ethnic origins. If ever there is a need for such a drastic psychological turnaround, Psalm 139 reveals how God regards every individual, and how each person was carefully knit together in the womb. And how many days a person shall live is already determined, long before conception.

Neither is any individual ever hidden from God. He may rise into the sky (airline and rocket aviation?) and sure enough, he is there. He might make his bed deep into the depths of the ocean (deep-sea submersibles?) and God will be waiting for him there. If he was to go to the far side of the sea (long haul flights?) - yes, God will greet him there as well.

(Actually, it's fascinating how a 3,000-year-old prophecy about advanced science and engineering can be so easily discerned by any modern reader). 

But the point is: God is always near. He is near each Christian believer. In fact, God lives within every Christian believer. As for the unbeliever, God is always near. So near, in fact, that one only has to believe in his heart that Jesus of Nazareth is the risen Christ, and from his mouth confess this, acknowledging his status as Lord, and he will be saved (Romans 10:9-13). God will give the Holy Spirit to anyone who asks (Luke 11:11-13) without the need for self-reformation beforehand.

Just lying on the bed next to my beloved wife and saying those things to her in the quietness of the night have helped in dispelling her fears and anxieties. Indeed, banks may find schemes to drain us financially, quite legally too, and watching her poor health is indeed debilitating, but knowing that God loves us and that he is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent is a source of comfort and reassurance for both of us.