Living on a Knife Edge: Stack or Sponge?

A good friend and I sat in a pub not far out of London. As he was due to wed a few weeks later, he asked for some advice on the health of our marriage between Alex and myself. According to our eighteen years of marital experience, to work out our relationship, we could either perceive our priorities as a traditional stack or more of a revolutionary sponge. By means of the stack, to arrange in order of importance goes something like this:

1. God.

2. Spouse.

3. Children and child raising.

4. Church.

5. Home.

6. Money and budgeting.

7. Work.

8. Leisure including holidays.

9. Day to day Hobbies.

Of course, your priorities may differ. But if you are a committed Christian believer, then I could bet your bottom dollar that you'll have God right up there on top of your stack. Underneath God, you may put church at #2. Or home at #2 and church at #3. Or even Hobbies or Holidays at #2 and Spouse at #9. You may even have more than nine items in your stack. You could have as many as a dozen. Perhaps even more than that. For example, you could add to the list Food and Drink. With me, that's under the item Home, which would also include the Car, or Transport. Whichever way your stack may look, it's still a stack. This was the method taught to me by churches and its literature especially during my early days as a believer, while getting to grips with my new faith in the area of personal devotion.

Until in recent years of hard experience, I came to realise that although the stacking system looks so good on paper, it comes up wanting in day-to-day living. Okay, I shall elaborate. There, on the upper shelf at #1 sits God. There he is at top priority. Yet he sits there apparently with no influence over all the others. Rather like the Bible resting on the upper shelf of a bookcase. There, it may have no influence on the other books or magazines sitting beneath it unless this particular bookshelf stores only Christian literature with its pages sprinkled with Bible quotes and verses.  

And so whilst chatting to my mate in the bar, I came up with the wet sponge illustration. Here, instead of each item placed on a shelf or on top of each other according to priority, they are all sponges soaked in water in a bucket. And there is no sponge labelled God in the bucket, for God is the water itself, penetrating into the heart of every sponge in the bucket, the bucket itself being a good representation of your heart. I think this is a far better illustration than the stack, for there is no need to prioritise. Furthermore, if a tree is planted by a river or stream, then it will always bear good fruit, according to Psalm 1:1-3 and Jeremiah 17:7-8.

Perhaps you're thinking: Hold on, you did not place Prayer on your list, especially at second place in the stack. But prayer is within the God item. Coming to think of it, I do wonder how often one is engaged in prayer whilst washing the car, or taking a swim in the sea and throwing a ball at a fellow bather to catch and throw back, or involved in a league game of football, or for that matter, cuddling up to your wife or husband on the sofa, or watching TV, or at work trying to negotiate an important contract with a customer or with another company. Really, how would the boss feel if he sees you spending your office time engaged in prayer at your desk? 

Therefore I have come to realise over the years that rather than place God above everything else in my life, I much prefer to perceive him as involved with every aspect of living. For example, knowing that God is with me if I take a dip in the sea, to relax in the sauna, or when I was busy running a window-cleaning business before retirement, when I go shopping, or cuddling up to Alex, watching TV, or flying abroad or on board a fast train. Or checking the bank account or visiting the GP. Or just about to be anaesthetised in readiness for open-heart surgery, which happened almost exactly three years ago in 2015. 

And forgiving someone who actively dislikes you. To forgive in such circumstances requires the power of God. To forgive is not merely to forget or to shove under the carpet. To forgive is to be willing to extend the hand of friendship and reconciliation. Even if or when it does not happen, my willingness to do so will always be there. It's for my benefit, not for the other person's benefit. If he remains disliking me, then even after my forgiving of him, his feelings towards me will remain unchanged. It's my feelings that will change - change for the better. Like the water soaking the sponge until it pours out if removed from the bucket, I need to be soaked with the Holy Spirit at all times, so I can be a blessing to others as well as myself. 

And in our set of circumstances, the need for God in our lives is vital. Because with my wife, the need to call for an ambulance remains imminent. I can happen at any moment. This is due to an illness she has which confines her to a wheelchair whenever she is out of doors. Most likely psychosomatic illness (meaning upset mind sick body, a term no longer used in the medical world). A series of family tragedies occurring in the five months between 2004 and 2005 had an impact on the neurotic area of her physical health. This has resulted in sudden, highly intense and severe pains, particularly in her back, her legs and even her head. One moment we might be talking lightheartedly, maybe sharing a joke, or watching TV, or even cooking a meal, when all of a sudden she goes into a severe pain which causes her to writhe on the floor in agony. I have no option but to dial for the emergency services.

Then to add her constant need for medicine, especially Diazepam, along with her prescribed antidepressants, both which doctors say are addictive drugs. But her daily dosage is absolutely essential for her well-being. In truth, this sort of constant imminence is a very frightening experience, along with endless living on a knife edge, wondering just when she is subjected to another attack of intense pain. But despite of all that, we will never separate! I love her so much and I know how much she loves me. To be with her constantly, as I see it, was worth sacrificing what was my dearest pet at the time, which was long-haul travel and backpacking, onto the altar of lifelong marriage. Yet to this day I have no regrets, instead I see the responsibility as a carer as something of a privilege given by God as a means to mould us both into the likeness of his Son Jesus Christ. 

And how much I need to be thoroughly soaked in the waters of the Holy Spirit of God. Maybe at first I was dropped into the bucket as a stone. A stone is totally impermeable. Water cannot get beneath its surface. But what is impossible with man is possible with God. God can - and does - change a stone into a sponge so the water can penetrate. For me, my responsibility as a carer is playing its role in this lifelong process of change, a process known as sanctification.

But having said all that, one of the most important needs required in this sanctification process is love and support, especially from my church fellowship. To know that I am loved, supported and encouraged goes a long way in coping with an emergency call-out which can strike suddenly and unexpectedly. This, I think, was one of the main reasons why Jesus established the church. I can think of three principal reasons why he was so wise to make such a move. First, the church, which is an assembly of saints meeting together, is pictured as a threefold Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ and the Holy Temple, a people for whom he gave his own life in order to build a spiritual dwelling for himself. Secondly, the church is an outward expression of God's holiness, a living letter of Christ written to win the souls of unbelievers and saving them from their sins and eternal loss. And thirdly, the church can be perceived as a spiritual and possibility a psychological hospital for the healing of the soul towards God and for each other, and maybe for the physical body too.

And as I see it, the local church should be a refuge for everyone whose conflict with sin, with the world, and with the Devil has each taken a toll on the individual's well-being. A place to run to, to take refuge in, a strong tower for the righteous to flee into, and a place for the lost to find his eternal destiny. A place which offers an alternate lifestyle to the rest of society.

Imagine a married couple who has two grown-up sons, which is a compilation from many posts on the Internet I had read before now. Both of these sons attended university and therefore they are both successful professionals with a good education and income. Their parent's pride and joy. In the course of time one son marries, but later suffers a divorce. The other, well into his thirties and still single, reports a severe back pain which is constantly troubling him. Rather like my wife Alex, but without the wheelchair. Physical disability? Not so much of physical disability as an upset mind and emotional torment. Another example of a psychosomatic illness? Perhaps stemming from being a closet homosexual? If so, are his respectable, middle class, church-going parents aware of this? If not, then the son's fear of coming out to his Mum and Dad reveals his bad perception of God reflected in his parent's religious attitude and performance. If on the other hand, they are aware of their son's sexual orientation, then distress will hit on one of either of their soteriological beliefs. If the parents believe in Eternal Security of the Believer, or Once Saved Always Saved, then they will perceive their son's sexual orientation as proof that "He was never saved in the first place." Alternately, they will fear that their son is in danger of losing his salvation, if he hadn't lost it already.

Indeed, how much do we all need to be soaked through and through with the living waters of the Holy Spirit! I have read much and heard a lot about the LGBT's rather fierce hostility against church and organised religion. Burdened down with church-based society-induced guilt, rejection and hostility from family members, forced segregation from work colleagues, isolation and bullying from fellow school and college students, along with church condemnation, such attitude creates atheism on a massive scale among them, along with apathy towards anything spiritual. With the acceptance of Charles Darwin as their Messiah, these souls, whom Christ died for, are headlong into a lost eternity.

I wish to note here that a closet gay is not necessarily a sodomite. That is why I believe such hostility and self-righteousness towards someone with a different orientation is altogether hypocritical, evil and totally unnecessary. If his orientation is towards other men but refrains from anything immoral, especially for the protection of his own reputation as well as for the sake of the Gospel, then what is the real difference between him and a straight individual who also keeps his sexual urges under control for the same reasons, and in church the hetero is looked upon as a model of righteous excellence but not the homo? Is the hetero saved and "in Christ" while the homo is forever lost and cannot be saved unless he first undergoes some orientation realignment therapy, which often includes electric shocks and other uncomfortable forms of treatment?

Such unmitigated nonsense! And that is in light of the knowledge of quite a number of unmarried heterosexual men I associate with, who are in their fifties and sixties and all of them living alone without ever having a wife or fathered any children. As far as I know, they have no need to live on the knife edge like I have to with Alex's symptoms, along with the closet gay or his parents. Neither does any of these bachelors had ever attempted to pick up a woman at a nightclub or bar. Rather, instead of allowing society to generate guilt against the struggling individual, we all need to be soaked in the water of the Holy Spirit, letting his love flow freely and without guilt or judgement. And that includes allowing the Holy Spirit to touch every area of our lives.

Bromance - For Better Health

A new word has entered the English vocabulary, which looks to me to have originated from the LGBT community, and more especially from gay men, and that is the word Bromance. Apparently it is so unfamiliar to everyday usage that while typing, my computer has underlined the word in red, indicating a spelling error. And this is from an American spellchecker, ironic as it seems, as without doubt the word looks to have its origin in the States. Yet anyone with a mild knowledge of semantics would see straight away that Bromance simply means brotherly romance. The gay community defines such a relationship as a strong bond between two males, but falling short of any sexual involvement.

After having received unsuccessful seduction attempts by gay men back in the 1970's when I was a strapping young man in my twenties, I have always held an interest in the homosexual world, and that from a Christian perspective, having being converted to Christ just a few months after my twentieth birthday in 1972. So I can claim to have enough knowledge of it to demonstrate what Bromance is not. For a start, cruising (out looking for a sex-partner in hope of a one-night stand) is not Bromance. Since the diagnoses of AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) was discovered to have originated from the HIV virus infection within same-sex relationships between men (and later became widespread among promiscuous straight sex as well), the habit of cruising has become far less widespread among homosexuals since the 1980's. Cruising was far from being a joyful experience. It was purely about sex, without building any interpersonal relationship with the potential partner. By the following morning, the two men were just as much strangers as if passing each other on the street. Also with cruising, there is always that lingering fear of being picked up by a macho butch who inflicts physical pain in an attempt to gratify his own sexual urges. Such brutal acts are well recorded, in a quest for more, more, more, but never finding ultimate fulfilment. None of these have any love between such partners, and therefore aren't anywhere remotely classed as Bromance.

I type this blog while a referendum had just taken place in Ireland whether to legalize same-sex marriage, which is already legal here in the UK. The idea of long term same-sex relationships, I believe, was a development from the AIDS scare of the 1980's, and reflects the need for the two partners to get to know each other, and particularly their sex and medical history, before consenting. But again, that is not Bromance. Rather, it is homosexuality, a dire world where unfulfilled desires, rejection by other gays, stereotyping and physical beatings by heterosexuals, loneliness, alienation from God, want of a flesh-and-blood family, unhappiness, and a very high suicide rate, all dominate in one way or another. Although the term Bromance was coined in the LGBT community I believe, it is not what it is.

Yet it is coming from gay men that the Biblical relationship model between David and Jonathan is quoted, and they see this as a good example of Bromance, and to a certain extent I share their opinion. But as some homosexual men would like to include these two as engaged in secret sexual activity behind King Saul's back, just by reading the Scriptural narration is enough to establish that both these guys were straight, and kept their sexual activity confined to their wives. But the case of David and Jonathan is an excellent case of Bromance. And no other verse in Scripture highlights this than in 1 Samuel 20:41:-

After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together - but David wept the most.

It is easy to imagine their parting scenario. These two were in a tight hug which lasted for a considerable time - maybe twenty minutes? And that is what I believe Bromance includes - hugging, the end result of a strong brotherly friendship. Apart from David and Jonathan, I can easily refer to two other men who actually were biological full brothers: Joseph and Benjamin, the sons of Jacob and his favourite wife Rachel. In Genesis 45:14 the narrator records Joseph and Benjamin locked in a tight embrace, and both weeping on each other's necks. Then there is the Bromance between the fisherman John, and Jesus himself which was manifested during the Last Supper, found in John 13:23 in the KJV, which reads:-

Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.

Unfortunately, the word bosom (Greek, kolpo) is not used in the NIV or other modern translations, where it just says that John was reclining next to him. I think much as been missed from the one reading the New International Version, and other modern translations. To read about the head of a future apostle resting on the Lord's chest speaks volumes of emotion. It was when Jesus himself acknowledged the sadness his disciples felt over the news that he was leaving them to return to his Father, e.g. John 14:27. Like Joseph, Benjamin, David, and Jonathan before him, John sought comfort through physical contact with Jesus himself. And the very dynamism of such tenderness together at that table is vividly contrasted with Revelation 1:17 where the same apostle took a glimpse of the resurrected Lord, and fell down as if dead. The very same bosom where he rested his head so many years earlier appears in such brilliant glory that he could not barely look at, let alone rest upon.

Then how can I not mention the intimate eternal Bromance which had always existed within the Godhead. The three "Persons" of the Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, each having a perfect love for each other which is entirely free from any disagreement, sorrow, or tears. Probably locked in an eternal embrace, the Father loves both the Son and the Holy Spirit with equal intensity. Likewise the Son loves the Father and the Holy Spirit with equal intensity. And the Holy Spirit himself have the same love for the Father and the Son. It is a wonderful, beautiful setting, absolutely perfect, without even an atom of sin whatsoever. And it has always been God's intention that his radiant triangle of love be shared among mankind, which has always been the chief reason why we exist.

Contrary to our British culture, there is nothing amiss about two men locked in a tight hug. It is the rest of us, who deem such an act as wrong, homosexual, or sissy. Here in the UK, we prefer, at best, to merely extend our hand in an (often limp) handshake. Our local culture, particularly in Southern England, does not even allow anyone to just walk into a neighbour's home without an invitation for an appointed time, let alone walking into another's personal space for a hug. We even have a saying, "An Englishman's home is his castle." That is not the language of Heaven! But, as I have recently found out, prolonged hugging is actually beneficial for health. It is due to the hormone Oxytocin, produced in the Pituitary Gland as a result of intimate human contact.

Due to a recent research, I have found out that oxytocin, among other benefits, has the ability to reduce depression, a cause of many known illnesses, including cancer, and even cardiac arrest. Its benefits, originally thought to be confined to breast milk production and feeding, it seems that something such as a prolonged hug - more than twenty seconds in duration - enjoys a level of benefit from the same hormone, which is also found in males. If Biblical characters, such as Joseph and David (Joseph lived to 110 years, and David saw his 70th birthday) had enjoyed health to a level of never having to visit a Doctor's surgery, then they must have done something right. Could the showing of emotion without the British reserve be the clue here? It is food for thought.

Now I want to imagine what our national health would be really like if everyone was far less selfish, far less reserved, have a trembling lower lip instead of a stiff upper lip, have a far greater love for each other, and there were no issues with prolonged hugs. How would the National Health Service fare? Would it be so under-used, that there would always be a hospital bed immediately available should anyone fall ill? Rather than being so overstretched, as it is at present? In fact, would the N.H.S. be a lot smaller, with smaller budgets and not so much spent on staffing and administration? If there is less depression in the individual, would this result in a happier lifestyle as well as a healthier one? Really, what I'm asking is: If Bromance and prolonged hugging were more socially acceptable, would this become a better world all around?

As a married man, I guess that I'm one of the more fortunate ones. I can prolong-hug my wife as much as I want, and she likewise. But one needs to take into consideration that I didn't marry until I was 47 years old, which is well beyond the national average age to marry. Throughout my long single life, other than the privilege to travel - many, many times I had a longing for a prolonged hug every day. Amazingly enough, during my bachelor days, I had persistent back trouble - forcing me on several occasions to crawl on the floor instead of walking. Thinking about it, over a period of time, my back problems all but disappeared since I married Alex. But I could have remained single throughout my life, as I know a few who has. Generally speaking, medical records show that not only married people enjoy a fuller life and better health, but they tend to live longer than those who remain single.

God does not only have love, he is love. Any breach of this love is sin. In order to enjoy perfect health eternally, we need to love God and each other as intensely as the three "Persons" of the Godhead. But because of the sinful heart, often shaped by culture (emotions bottled, no hugging, etc.) - sickness and death will continue until our final redemption arrives.