A Cure for Low Self-Esteem.

If you are a Christian believer reading this, then may I ask:

How would you feel if I admit to watching two naked lovers having sex on the BBC Iplayer?

Would you gasp in surprise? Or start praying desperately that I have not hit the road to apostasy? Or even click off this page and log on to another website if not slamming the lid of your laptop shut?

But please read on, the "how to..." will follow.

It is here that I want to make a point which I feel is very important, and therefore I don't want to put out a wrong message. As a Christian myself, I do not want to encourage anyone to watch porn, whether it's on the screen or on magazine paper. For many, indulging in porn to stimulate desire is sinful, and as such, I would not encourage it, neither would I play down the seriousness of sin.

Having said that, such close-ups don't bother me. I don't get sexually excited or stimulated by such scenes. Therefore, it was no different to me than if I watched an edition of Songs of Praise on a typical Sunday evening. After all, as a married man, both my wife and I can enjoy such naked intimacy whenever we want to, without a camera fixed upon our torsos and without a bloke behind the camera, operating it - and without the slightest guilt of sin. 

As a matter of fact, it was in 1994, whilst staying at a mixed dorm of a small backpacker's hostel in the heart of Jerusalem Old City during its peak season, that was when the dorm was crammed with young couples, predominantly from Scandinavia, Holland and perhaps Denmark, sleeping in each other's arms on mattresses laid out on the floor, whispering to each other loving endearments just as little as a few feet away.

Alone on a narrow single bunk bed, I slept well each night under the domed Medieval ceiling without any problems. Really, I couldn't give a toss about who was around me. I was far more interested in the Holy Land with its many archaeological sites, its ancestry, its Middle East culture, physical beauty and its links with Biblical history than I was in what was going on between the couples around me.

But I digress. The intimate scenes were not the reason why I wanted to watch the adult drama, Normal People, a twelve-part series with its first episode aired only earlier this week. Rather it was to watch the lives of two schoolmates, Connell Waldron (Paul Mescal) and Marianne Sheridan (Daisy Edger-Jones) - he from a working-class background and she from a middle-class one. Both lived with their single mothers who were both divorced. Furthermore, Connell's mother worked as a cleaner at the posh home of Marianne's mother who also has an older son, Alan Sheridan (Frank Blake) - Marianne's brother.

Normal People characters Connell and Marianne

What led me to watch the whole series over four evenings this week was the first episode, and I was keen to watch the climax, how the story ends. Connell was a popular boy, a hero among his mates. Not only was he getting ready for university life, but this very intelligent, bright youth was also brilliant on the school football pitch. Topless for a moment, he made sure that we saw his superb physique on the pitch after taking off his shirt after the game ended. He, with his teammates, played Gaelic Football against a rival school vying for the championship league cup. Having scored two or more winning goals, he was the hero of his team and of the whole school. Meanwhile, Marrianne was one of the many spectators, dressed in a drab grey uniform, sitting at the grandstand. 

In contrast to Connell, Marianne was unpopular at school. She was teased both by the boys and other girls alike for having a "stuck-up" attitude which included disrespect for the teacher's authority. Yet, like Connell, she too was very bright, something which earned the jealous wrath of her brother Alan.

This "Plain Jane" image of a timid, immature schoolgirl who feels worthless and neglected was not the first I have watched on TV. Around 34-31 years ago a family-viewing Australian soap, Neighbours, featured this new arrival who took on residence with her grandmother's after the death of either one or both parents. Feeling ashamed of herself, she kept herself to herself. It was not until after she left school for uni, and shed her uniform when her ravishing beauty and her extroversion came out, and it wasn't long before she had a boyfriend and enjoyed popularity with her peers.

The same happened with Marianne. When she started at Trinity College at Dublin, a 130-mile drive from her home town in Sligo County of the Republic of Ireland, her beauty shone and she gained instant popularity with her fellow students, and with Connell also attending the same college, a rather bumpy relationship developed between the two of them.

But it's Connell I really want to focus on here. Very bright, athletic and good looking, this guy knew how to socialise with his fellow students. He was a good contributor to his committee and he was very popular with female students as well as male. Literally, girls were queuing up to share his bed. Furthermore, even at a young age, he knew how to handle responsibility and look after himself in such a mature manner, so far away from home and without his Mum's interference. In addition to all this, he was studying for a degree in English, with the goal as a writer, whether as a novelist or journalist, I couldn't be too sure, but there was a hint of a novelist. Writing for a living was something I always had a wish for.

Jane Harris (Annie Jones) in Neighbours, 1984 onwards.

Connell's life as an undergraduate was a world away from my own experience in growing up. I was unpopular at school, in the slow learner's class, and feeling of little worth. And this feeling of worthlessness was enforced at home, at school and later, at work when having to push a broom across the workshop floor, I was teased and constantly reminded of my worthlessness. The psychological damage gotten from this lifelong experience, caused by having Asperger's Syndrome which was unknown to me at the time, wasn't fully eliminated until I married Alex decades later.

As such, had I watched this drama around 35-40 years ago, I would have turned off the TV the moment Marianne begged Connell to take off his clothes whilst both were still at school. But such an action would not be due to Christian convictions or piety! Instead, I would have turned off the telly through envy.

Like Jane in Neighbours and Marianne in Normal People, I too began to change for the better after leaving school. But it took a lot longer. During my first five years of employment in an all-male environment, its culture was centred upon the idea of picking up a girlfriend and enticing her to share his bed was the ultimate fulfilment of masculine virility. This attracts respect, even admiration. Thus, it came as no surprise that my supervisor often boasted of his army days when enticing women to share his bed was as easy as ABC, thus rubbing it in that having no girlfriend made me feel even more of a failure.

Indeed, as a result of this culture, I felt ashamed of being single. Whilst still living at home, the one thing I wanted to do, above all other things, was to marry and raise a family.

Had I watched such a drama as Normal People back then, would it have resulted in a very harmful mental outlook and shaky emotions? But here I would like how such a psychological state can be overcome, even to the point of immunity when surrounded by courting couples in a hostel dormitory. Even the title of the drama would have rubbed salt into the wound. Normal People? So that's how all undergraduates live and interact with others, isn't it? And that's normal? If so, doesn't that indicate that I'm not normal, but way below?

So what were the steps to free me from such psychological bondage?

First, faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour. This I believe to be the very foundation and first step towards freedom. This includes learning to pray, regular reading of the Bible and church attendance. I turned to Jesus Christ in December 1972, less than five years after leaving school. To develop a loving Father/son relationship with God is vital for any psychological healing.

Secondly, I found hobbies which delight me. They were several wholesome activities. I would go further to say that it was triune of interesting activities - Travel, Photography and Writing, and these three are interrelating. Various sports I have found enjoyable. And here I mean enjoyable. At school, I had to participate in team sports such as soccer and rugby, which was under compulsion. I have watched other boys receive corporal punishment for forgetting to bring their kit on the day. But Triathlon was one individual competitive sport I enjoyed participating in the years 1985-1992, which was purely voluntary.

Flying the nest was another brick in the building towards freedom from low self-esteem. Learning how to be responsible for making my own decisions and how to manage my own finances, and feeling free to go out for the evening without answering to Mum's question of Where have you been, is another liberating benefit, as well as constantly criticised by Dad over my faith in Christ. I moved into my bachelor's pad in May 1976, at a grand old age of 23 years. The saying of absence makes the heart grow fonder is indeed true here. By living alone, after a while, I began to feel a greater level of affection towards my parents.

This is a threefold building or bulwark against the feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem. And that as a single person. I feel that participation in such interesting and wholesome activities is just as vital as faith in Christ itself. When I first believed, not only have I gained a friend in Jesus Christ, but I have also gained an enemy, an Adversary who will always remind me of my worthlessness and sins, making me feel that I'm no good for God. These bulwarks help guard against such lies.

Then there is my job. Going self-employed in 1980 was another brick in the wall against low self-esteem, as this involves responsibility which was once taken care of by my employer. But even then, my mistake of comparing my social standing with other Christians of my age bracket in the church, just about all graduates, has caused a relapse into a sense of worthlessness. Especially when I struggled with finances as one self-employed and therefore unable to travel. This was worse during the 1980s.

An "explosion" of travel occurred after receiving a vision from God on October 1992 to fly to Israel on the following year specifically to pray for Jerusalem. By August 1993, I found myself entering a small medieval building in the heart of the Old City of Jerusalem and climbed the stairs to the reception upstairs to ask whether a bed was available. Thus, the New Swedish Hostel on Souk David was going to mean a lot to me, especially afterwards in 1994, where I'm due to spend a whole month there as a resident.

New Swedish Hostel opened onto this street.

By then, since after eighteen years after flying the nest, I have grown immune to the want of marriage and I began to feel content for being single. This was justified, as a door has opened for worldwide travel. Combine this with my love of photography and later, writing, with each of the three well soaked in God's love and my faith in Him and an efficient bulwark against low self-esteem has been established within.

It was at the height of World Travel era in 1998 when Alex came along. 1998 was the year I flew out to New York for a short stop-gap break before planning to fly out to Cape Town in the year 2000 for another Round the World trip. But just when I was no longer looking for marriage, and I was content to remain a bachelor for life (as some of my friends still are to this day, most of them graduates) - instead, marriage found me, and Alex and I tied the knot in October 1999.

I am aware that any single person, man or woman, suffering loneliness may find this difficult to read and I apologise for that, but if If I'm likening the bulwark against low self-esteem as a building, then marriage is the final paintwork, or if likened to a cake, it's the cherry on the top.

Although I might get a wave of feeling worthless from time to time, my life's testimony, inspired by watching an adult play on television late in the evening after Alex had gone to bed is, I hope, a demonstration of God's power to everyone who believes.