Forgiving - For MY Benefit!

I think it was around 1991 or 1992 when this very good-looking, slim fellow arrived at our church in Ascot. The timing of his arrival is based on the fact that my 1994 stint in Israel hadn't yet occurred, let alone the 1995-1998 long haul backpacking trips which were still to come. Estimating to be around 6'2" or 6'3" 1.88 metres tall, he towers over my own healthy 5'11" 1.80 m height. Sporting a moustache, this young man, whose name turned out to be John, has a wife and at that time, two pre-teenage sons. At our first meeting, John and I had hit it off well, and I became acquainted with the whole family, even to the extent that John invited me, while I was still single in those days, to his home for Sunday lunch after the morning service.

John is a few years younger than I am, but well ahead of me with his marriage responsibilities and raising of a family. After dinner, the table was set for a family quiz-based board game which was similar in style to Trivial Pursuit. Some time later, I sat at another table with the two boys, each of us contributing towards the completion of a jigsaw puzzle. The serenity created in the atmosphere whilst each piece was fitted into place had earned praise from the wife by commenting that I was good with children. He became a member of the church's music team with his trumpet or similar brass instrument until he left our church in 2006 or 2007 for a period of time before returning in 2012.

But before leaving our church, John and I were good friends. By then I was married to my dearest Alex, and we already have our firstborn two-year-old daughter Rosina, and another was on its way, when at a house-group meeting, I made a confession of financial hardship due to various difficulties arising in my domestic window cleaning business, particularly with delays among clientele paying their fees. It was John who pulled out a sum of money which turned out to be a great help in making ends meet until all my customers paid up. And that sum of money was a gift and not a loan. This was another gesture I have not allowed myself to forget.

Alex's second pregnancy with Louise progressed well - until one early Spring morning in 2004, whilst relaxing in the sauna after a tiring week's work, a staff member informed me that I had to return home straight away. When I got home, I found that Alex had gone into early labour. I called for an ambulance and also contacted my in-laws, who offered to take care of our daughter Rosina. What followed was an admission into the labour ward of Royal Berkshire Hospital to await the birth. 

The rest of the day turned into evening, and then into the night. I sat on a chair beside my wife's bed. Nothing happened, except the constant rapid beating of the fetus' heart amplified through a monitor, with which I tried to imagine as being on board a Ferrovie di Italia train as it travelled fast along the Paris-Dijon section of line towards Italy, as I recall such a journey made so clearly in 1973. This imaginary metamorphosing of the fetus heartbeat to that of a moving train helped me through a tense, sleepless night. By daybreak, Alex was transferred to a prenatal ward, where I stayed with her until evening. Then, as night drew in and there seems to be no further progress towards delivery, I decided to get a train home for a night's rest.

By eleven at night I was stripped naked when the phone rang. It was from the labour ward with the news that Alex was about to deliver. I almost panicked. There were no more trains into Reading at this time of the night. And even if there were, the journey back would be far too slow for such an emergency situation. So I made a phone call to John and explained to him the situation. In next to no time he knocked on my door. His wife waited in the car as we began to set off to the maternity block some twelve miles away. The journey was fast as we all sensed the hurry. When John drove up to the drop-off point, we said a simple prayer and I then jumped out of his car and made a dash to the entrance of the building and ran up the stairs to the labour ward. No fuel fees were asked as the couple made their way back home.

My daughter was born just ten minutes later at 11.50 pm. Had it not been for John, I would have missed the birth of Louise and therefore scuppering our birth plans we made weeks earlier. The wonderful favour John and his wife did for us on that night is forever etched on my mind. Furthermore, after the birth, John would collect me for a weekly trip to a local pub, where we had deep discussions on just about anything to do with family upbringing and theology. It was during these pub socials that I discovered how his Arminian stance on a person's salvation disagrees with my Calvinistic view of the believer's Eternal Security.

And so after John returned to our church after his exile, he returned minus his moustache and with a very different attitude towards me. Having gained weight, he is to this day rather imposing. Being taller than me, he could - quite literally - knock me out cold. And so at a men's Curry Club one evening a couple of years ago, he growled at me when I tried to sit next to him. Scary stuff. His hostility towards me has been on-going to this day. I felt cornered whenever he is around. Until last Saturday.

The Kerith Centre at Bracknell holds a Band of Brothers meeting for all men in that church. A very good post-graduate friend of mine who holds a doctorate in genetics and is a regular at the Kerith, is a direct link between the Band of Brothers group and myself, an outsider, allowing me to attend such meetings whenever it takes place, which is usually three times a year. Last week, the topic was about forgiveness, and even after four decades of being a Christian believer, the preach was an eye-opener. Something I had never realised before then!

Because up to then, I cannot see any benefit the wrongdoer would receive if I forgave him long after he had moved away, or after he died. The issue behind such wrongdoing remains forever unsolved, and if ever the perpetrator have thoughts about me, or memories of me, it will always be felt with a degree of hostility. So why forgive? He would never have the chance to apologise nor would he nurture any positive feelings for me. And the grave would cement the hostile issue forever.

But the preach centred on forgiving someone does not benefit the wrongdoer or perpetrator. Rather it would benefit me. I'm the one who would benefit, not the perpetrator. After this we were all challenged to close our eyes and think of anyone who had wronged in the past, and forgive him, her, or them. As the room fell into silence, I began to think. Then I remembered John. But how could I forgive him? The dispute between us is ongoing. Then I began to recall those good times we had together - the money given during hard times, the late night lift to hospital, the pub socials. With such good memories, to forgive John was made a lot easier, believe me. To forgive him means to have no ill-feeling for him whatsoever. Rather, my hand of friendship is extended. It's now up to him to take hold of it.

Such an eye-opener immediately reminds me of a passage of Scripture that I have been familiar with for years, but I had never applied it to my own sake. Here it what it says:

Therefore say to the house of Israel, "This is what the Sovereign LORD says: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do those things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone."

Ezekiel 36:22.

Then the passage continues on about removing the heart of stone from their flesh and giving them a heart of flesh, and filling them with his Spirit, so that they will all follow my decrees and keep my laws out of love for God, and not by fear of punishment. Also Psalm 106:8 says that we are saved for his sake rather than ours. If the honour for his name lies behind our salvation, then this seems to endorse the truth of Eternal Security. But I can understand from where the Arminian get his ideas from. For example, when Jesus taught his disciples how to pray, as recorded in Matthew 6:9-13, he included the phrase, forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. He then embellished on this particular issue by saying that whether the Father will forgive your sins is dependent on whether you will forgive anyone who has wronged you (Matthew 6:14-15).

Also another powerful lesson on forgiveness delivered by Jesus to his disciples is found in Matthew 18:21-35, which is the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. Then after telling this fascinating story, it is given the final conclusion that this is the way the Father will treat everyone who does not forgive his brother from his heart. The average Arminian will most likely use this as an answer on whether a Christian can lose his salvation or not. Simply put, if you don't forgive your brother's sins, then God won't forgive you of your sins. However, since this was spoken before the Atonement was made on the Cross, for the believer at present, in regards to the afterlife, this presents some problems.

First of all, the believer's salvation depending on how he is treating his fellow believer is a contradiction to being forgiven for God's sake and for his name to be honoured. Instead, the mercy bestowed is entirely grounded on the recipient's heart attitude. Secondly, as I can see, in the parable the servant's debt, and a very large debt at that, remains unpaid. Instead, it is cancelled. This is very different from being paid off by someone else substituting for the servant. If the debt remains unpaid, then justice has not been fulfilled. The master can call his servant back in at any time to reckon his account and demand the money back. And at the end that is exactly what the master does. But if someone pays the entire debt on the servant's behalf, then he is truly free from debt. The master has his money and nothing else is owing to him. The servant is free indeed. 

Left to ourselves, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to forgive someone from the heart. Even worse if during a lifetime there are many sources for grievance. If God's mercy depends on our performance in forgiving others, then everyone is in some kind of trouble, whether small or great. Heaven would be empty of people. That's why, I believe, Jesus gave this parable. To show that we are all indebted to God and unless someone steps in to pay off our debts on our behalf, we'll all be in big trouble.

But having said that, the parable does have a purpose for today's Christians, as does the Lord's Prayer. Because to forgive someone is very beneficial to both mental and physical health. This could be the intent on why the unmerciful servant was thrown into jail whilst still alive here on Earth instead of at some postmortem hellish confinement. Forgiving or not forgiving will affect our well-being. According to Dr. McMillen,* there are many diseases and poor health resulting from ongoing anger, bitterness and resentment. Refusing to forgive, according to this Christian medic, destroys one's health, and this could be one of the main reasons why our National Health Service is under strain, as reported daily on the Media. If the doctor was correct in his estimation, the lack of bed space within hospitals is not so much of an increase of the ageing population as the large numbers of bitter and resentful hearts. 

For a Christian believer refusing to forgive a transgressor, this carries the risk of debilitating health resulting from emotional stress arising from bitterness and anger. Also he cannot enjoy the fullness of God. True, he will still go to heaven after he dies. But often with the case of embittered Christians, they often experience a premature death, followed by the Judgement Seat of Christ, and to suffer the deprivation of rewards awarded to everyone who obeys the Holy Spirit living within. One near-striking example was the case of Moses. He was so embittered by the rejection thrown at him by his fellow Hebrews (Exodus 2:11-15), that even after forty years in the wilderness, he refuses to fulfil his Hebrew custom to circumcise his son Gershom (Exodus 4:24-26). The Lord was about to slay him, and to face the Judgement Seat, had his wife not quickly intervened. Such is the price for refusing to forgive.

For me to forgive John for any resentment and rejection he has for me will not benefit him. Instead, I'm forgiving him to benefit myself, and this is good advice for anyone who has been wronged and wishes to enjoy his walk with God. Forgive, and let go of the transgressor. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*S. I. McMillen MD None of these Diseases, Marshal, Morgan and Scott, 1963, 14th impression 1980.